August 17, 2007

“Who's your daddy?” *SMACK!

Now couples have an excuse for beating the crap out of one another.

The New York Times reports that a growing number of men and women are squaring off in the ring for a few rounds of boxing.

They say it’s for exercise, but this isn’t play fighting -- we’re talking about the opportunity to release some serious aggression. I can see it now:

“How many times” *SMACK! “do I have to ask you” *POP! “to lower the toilet seat?” *BAM!

“Yeah? Well why don’t you” *BLAM! “stop using my razor” *SMACK “to shave your nasty legs?” *POW!

“Oh? Speaking of legs” *POW! “I guess you’d prefer the legs” *BLAM! “on that girl you were checking out at the bar last night” *POP! POW! “Is that what you want?” *BANG!

“Maybe I do,” *BAM! “since you never seem to be in the mood anymore.” *ZING!

“In the mood for what?” *BANG! “Fifteen seconds in paradise?”*BLAM!

Punching one another repeatedly at this time can only end badly.

At least one man sees the impending peril of pitting couples against one another, even for fun or fitness.

“If a guy hits his wife too hard in the face, intentionally or unintentionally, she will remember that and it will come up again at some point,” said Mr. Barker, 52.

This is a man who clearly knows about women. You’re damn right it’ll come up again!

Fellows, when you screw up, we WILL call forth -- from the dark, deep recesses of our minds where we store them -- all the past times you’ve screwed up.

Usually things we never bothered to mention to you at the time they took place.

Almost certainly things you don’t remember, but we’ll be angry about them anyway.

Soon, you’ll find yourself drowning in a relationship’s worth of wrong-doings that you never knew you’d been doing.

You’ll probably be better off if accidentally giving your girl a black eye isn't one of them.

Another point well-made by Mr. Barker: no man wants to be beaten up by a woman. After all, what happens if she kicks his ass?

“The male ego makes it hard for them to think that they got beat by a woman,” Barker said.

It’s too bad, because I for one would love letting fists fly with my guy ... until he hits me too hard.

And that’s probably the big problem with this scenario. Neither party can really fight the other without causing major trust issues. One bruise-worthy punch, and suddenly I’m thinking,

“Did he mean to do that? Is he mad at me? Did I do something wrong?...He’s gonna pay for this later!”

On the other hand, for you non-confrontational types that like to drive your girlfriend crazy until she breaks up with you, this could be a great way to speed the process.

One good slug to the face and you’re a free man. But you didn’t hear it from me.

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