August 14, 2007

Am I an "I'd bang her, but whatever" girl?

My friend Steve claims guys have a highly-scientific classification method for the girls in their lives.

Some fall into the “I’d bang her, but whatever” pile. This girl usually gets a lot of attention on the first date while the guy’s hoping to get in her pants, but doesn’t usually warrant enough interest to merit a phone call afterwards.

Others are elevated to “I’d bang her in a heartbeat” status, and the rejects are dumped unceremoniously into the “Not gonna touch that” heap.

I knew I had to find out if other men’s brains worked this way, and as it turns out, not all guys use the same system.

Further research produced this enlightening AIM conversation with a 20-year-old guy friend, who requested to be identified as “Dr. Velvet.” For the sake of authenticity, I managed to suppress my urge to correct (most of) the grammar.

Car0 (9:25:46 PM): according to one of my guy friends, guys have an "I'd bang that, but whatever" pile. He says not to confuse girls a guy wants to do with ones he would do.

Dr. Velvet (9:28:51 PM): um i dunno bout him... but I’d say its more of a Venn diagram

Car0 (9:29:23 PM): lol - please explain. i HAVE to hear this

Dr. Velvet (9:30:04 PM): you have a box that represents all girls and in said box are two circles: one with girls I’d bang, one with girls I’d date/have a relationship with. some are in both and belong in the center

Car0 (9:31:42 PM): that makes sense. so the ugly/fat ones are outside the circles, floating around in (or sinking to the bottom of) the box?

Dr. Velvet (9:32:56 PM): in theory.. unless ur into that or they have such a remarkably redeeming personality that they are elevated into a circle

Dr. Velvet (9:33:29 PM): and girls can change circles, and often do based on learning new info about them

Dr. Velvet went on to describe how “new info” that a girl has the herp or a bun in the oven demotes her to box status, while the revelation that she’s an airhead moves her into the “bang only” circle.

I thought it was a pretty nifty way to keep track. After all, you wouldn’t want to get confused and end up boyfriending a “bang only” chick by mistake.

Some guys view it as demoralizing to talk about banging this chick or that (I applaud you, sirs). Another guy friend, 25, who I’ll call “Mr. Man,” keeps things relatively simple – you’re either a woman or a girl.

Mr. Man (10:08:00 PM): well, a girl is an immature female that claims to be a woman. She has to be the center of attention and is usually telling one up stories.
Mr. Man (10:08:36 PM): a woman is confident without making herself the center of attention and is able to grab my eye without being slutty or showing skin
Mr. Man (10:08:59 PM): but there are sub-classes even within those groups

Alas, I wasn’t able to elicit said sub-classes. Perhaps I’ll post those later.

Finally, you have the guys who are either too busy playing video games to think about sex, too embarrassed to talk about the fact that they think about sex, or they are one of a handful of guys who actually think of other things more than they think about sex.

One of these guys, whom I spoke with last night, told me he didn’t classify girls because “it’s not his goal in life have sex with as many chicks as possible.”

You’re correct. He’s not a frat boy.

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