My heroine

If you've never checked out Mindy Raf, a stand-up comedian and columnist for CollegeHumor.com , you should do so immediately. Her scribblings are a little racier (read: more entertaining) than mine, so I guess you could call her my new heroine.

Below is an excerpt from one of my favorites of her columns, proposing a new name for the dreaded Walk of Shame.

What does Mindy suggest?

Why not the "Happy Clit and Tits Trot"?

"So, if you're walking home to your dorm room at 11 a.m. wearing a sequined tube top, glitter eye shadow crusted in the crease of your liner smudged eyes, your thong shoved into the zipper compartment of your purse, and your body smelling like cheap beer and AXE Body Spray, walk with confidence. Hold your head up high, smile at all the people who stare at you, and don't be afraid to shout out,

"I GOT LAID LAST NIGHT!"

"I CAME THREE TIMES!"

"I ALMOST CAME!"

"I GOT HIM DRUNK AND TOOK ADVANTAGE OF HIM!"

"I WAS A COCK TEASE, AND I STILL GOT HIS NUMBER!"

"HE FELL ASLEEP DURING SEX, BUT WE STILL SPOONED!"

"HE FELLATED ME AND THEN I PRETENDED TO PASS OUT!"

"I JUST HOOKED UP WITH MY CRUSH!"

"GUESS WHAT, I GIVE AWESOME HEAD!"

"I GOT SOME ASS LAST NIGHT! WOO HOO!"

Flower power

Today, as I was quietly sitting at my desk dreading inevitable assignments to come, I received a phone call from the building’s security desk.

“We have a floral delivery for you downstairs.”

This wasn’t the first time I’d received flowers at work, but it was the first time I hadn’t anyone in my life who would send them.

Who could they be from? I thought over and over again as I walked down the hall. The thoughts flew rapidly through my mind, as I flipped through my mental rolodex of secret admirers.

They couldn’t be from the cop. I knew this was the truth, but still, I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather receive them from.

My ex-boyfriend? I knew he wouldn’t dare. There would be no excuse.

Next on the list was my mother, but there was no occasion for her to shower me with flora. The same went for dad -- a possibilty, but no motive.

I had run out of ideas and submitted to calmly puzzling the delivery.

The flowers were gorgeous -- red daisies, magenta starburst lilies, white roses, purple irises.

The suspense was crushing me, but I carried them up to my desk before opening the card, and then --
the beautiful letdown.

“Thank you for everything. From D.P., CEO of V.L.”

Yes, the mystery flowers were from the head of a company I had written a story about the day before.
I’ve never received a perk quite so lush, but I guess I could get used to reporting business news after all.

Nonetheless, I was disappointed. What good are flowers when there’s no love attached? No titillating affection? No sappy message that makes you blush?

Yet, there are rules to flower-bearing. It made me pause to consider, what if they had been from the cop? Would that have been appropriate?

No, of course not. I’d be questioning his sanity.

Most guys understand not to send flowers too soon after meeting a beauitful woman, but here are some basic rules that not every guy understands about sending buds.

1. Bigger isn’t better.

Unless I work an office job every day, I have to carry that vase home at the end of the day. Not only does the water spill all over my car, but the flowers get crushed against the seat as I’m trying to keep them standing.

2. Don’t send the same thing.

It’s nice to find out a girl’s “favorite” kind of flower, but she doesn’t want it every time! The number one thing to avoid is predictability, and if she knows she’s getting gerber daisies AGAIN, she won’t be excited.

3. Don’t send flowers for every occasion -- or any occasion at all.

Valentine’s Day rolls around again, and what’s a girl getting? Flowers, just like last year. Her birthday? Flowers, just like last year.
Flowers make a better “just because” gift. Think of something more creative for holidays, and send blossoms when she’s least expecting them.

She’ll thank you appropriately later.

In His Own Words

My friend Steve would like the chance to respond to some of my former claims on this blog.

For the sake of a male perspective, and for your own entertainment, I have agreed to post his rebuttals here.

In response to “The sound of silence”

"I'll call you tomorrow" doesn't always mean tomorrow.

It's like saying, "Yeah, see ya later."

Later is whenever the next time I see you is. So don't put much stock in that.

I've told a friend I'd call him "tomorrow" last August and didn't call until December.

And with chicks, we're afraid of looking clingy or too eager. We think it gives off a loser stench. So we lay off a little bit and try not to let her think we like her as much as we do.

Delaying the phone call is one way. And texting instead of calling. It kinda straddles the line between "I'm really busy, but I do care" and "I don't care enough about you," but we try to walk that tight rope.

If the guy says, "I'll call you tomorrow" and then calls tomorrow, early, then we think that she thinks, "Aha! Gotcha, bitch. I've got the upper hand and you're whipped. Pathetic little boy. Once again, coochie reigns supreme!"

Yeah, we think women are all diabolical, scheming vixen bitches (because they are) and we can't afford to show weakness.

So if we do call tomorrow, it's in the night. And 60/40, we'd rather text instead of call in that situation.

Or we'll wait until the afternoon after that and then call with some bullshit excuse about why we didn't call.

That's not 100% of the time.

I'd say about 10%, the guy just doesn't like you enough and you're in his "I'd hit it, but whatever" heap (Yeah, we have that. Don't confuse a chick we would hit with one we want to hit), but most of the time he's playing the leverage game, trying not to look desperate.

And we do that because we like you. But, of course, I'm sure it's got a high backfire rate.

Response to “Make him quit texting you”

Ya'll are too damn demanding.

I'm a texter. Texting is for when we want to avoid the possibility of the conversation stalling.

There really ain't much to talk about, but you wanna contact the person.

You don't want to call a chick and say, “Hey...umm...just wanted to say hi.... Yeah, the summer is cooling down. It hasn't reached 90 in a week or so.... Umm, I'm just watching TV."

Then you'd be on him saying he's boring.

Text is pressure-free and it gives him a minute to think up a response.

And dammit, give him credit because texting is hard. Spending 2 f*cking minutes to type a 10-word sentence; you're hitting 4 and you've cycled past the “G” three times.

It's like the old 1988 Nintendo controller that'd have your thumb aching after a few minutes. Appreciate that!

My friggin' thumb is killing me...because I love you.

The death of a date

So my date with the lawyer – we’ll call him “J” – went pretty well last night.

He turned out to be a nice guy who made a handful of fatal errors during the night. The date was dead.

But to be fair, J had a rough time of it in the first place, since I’m convinced the NYPD officer I'm seeing is the best thing to happen since sliced bread.

However, in your own interest, I’ve broken down the mistakes J made so you’ll know what to look for in a date that is not gonna work out … and then run away!

1. Inviting a random guy friend along.

This should have been my first blaring siren.
J told me over the phone before we met, “Oh, my friend has nothing to do so he might tag along.”

I think he ditched the idea after I made it clear that I was unimpressed, but what was he thinking? How awkward to have to impress both him and his friend! On top of that, it makes him look like he doesn’t have the balls to spend an evening alone with me.

2. Asking if yall can take your car.

His perfectly good car is sitting right there by yours. He shouldn’t ask you to drive him – he shouldn’t even want to. I know guys who feel foolish in the passenger seat and they’ll only let me drive over their dead bodies. But on a first date??

This one is especially true in my case, since I had already driven nearly 30 minutes to meet him at his place.

3. Ordering your meal for you.

This was J’s doing-in point.

I think most guys know this one – I never thought it would actually happen to me.

J and I decided – no, actually, he decided this too – that we’d split a rack of ribs at the barbeque place we were at.

When the waitress told us it came with two sides, he ordered both without even looking to me for my input!! Even the waitress looked at me, surprised by what had just happened.

4. Flirting with the waitress at dinner.

I didn’t care by this point. I knew I was far from interested and I was getting a free meal, but it was icing on the cake.

5. Coming home after the date to play video games with a friend and inviting you to watch.

But, Caroline, you say, isn’t this guy a 24-year-old lawyer?

Yes, but lots of “men” look like men when they are actually just boys. Clearly, J didn’t want to get laid last night when he made this move. If a guy is going to play video games on a date, he can at least offer to let me play.

By this time, I’d have enjoyed kicking his ass at Mario Kart!

Sex In My City

Finally, after residing in New York for two months, I am living my very own "Sex & The City" episode.

Tonight, I have a dinner date with a wicked funny lawyer.

Wednesday night, I'm going out with a sweet, hot firefighter.

Thursday night, I'm getting drinks in the city with an old high school "friend" who "can't wait to see me."

The goods keep coming, and I couldn't be having more fun meeting new men every week.

Which makes me wonder -- is it better to stay single while you're a young, attractive 20-something? If you're in a serious relationship at this point, are you missing out while you're in your prime?

Being with just one person offers its own comforts -- having someone to rely on, lean on, laugh with, cry with. It's what we're all seeking...eventually.

But investing too much in one person while you're young doesn't do much to help you find out what you really want in a life partner.

Yeah, you like the way he surprises you and runs his fingers through your hair, but others guys may do that too, and they might be a better match for you. You'll never know if you don't get back out there and find 'em!

Of course, no one can help it if they find a great guy and want to be his girlfriend. Life's like that. But there are definite advantages of being unfettered in a world full of attractive men, and each one can show you a little bit of what you ultimately want in a man when the time comes.

To be sure, my time isn't coming any time too soon!

The sound of silence

Men are such confounding creatures. Let’s examine a classic scenario.

Girl goes out with Guy.

Guy is a true gentleman. He tells her that he likes her, that she is beautiful, and that he will call her the next day.

Girl keeps phone by her all day, but Guy doesn’t call.

Girl goes crazy wondering why he hasn’t called.

Girl loses self control and sends Guy a text message, to which he responds. Finally, Girl points out fact that Guy said he would call.

Guy calls.

Now what is a girl supposed to think when, the day after an amazing date with someone she thought she felt a mutual connection with, that self-same man seems to have no interest in talking to her? Why does she feel like she’s forcing him into conversing at all?

It seems intuitive that if a guy goes out with a beautiful girl, whom he claims to like, he would want to talk to her as soon as possible ... right?

Overall, I sympathize with the three-day rule, but it doesn’t apply if the guy explicitly claims he will call the next day.

Upon the utterance of those words, the rules go out the window, and we’re working on an honor system.

For a girl, there are few things more important than for a guy to do what he says he’ll do. Being a good kisser is up there too, but integrity still trumps.

And calling is essential, because a silent phone throws you into a whirlpool of self-doubt about things you felt sure about while on the date. Suddenly, you're drowning in all the little things you did that could have made him change his mind about you.

In the end, you’ll have to chalk it up to his being an ass. It can be hard to come to this conclusion if the guy in question seemed really amazing, but in the end, if he was worth your energies and attentions, he’d be excited to talk to you again.

Ultimately, a silent phone = being alone ... and that’s his loneliness we’re talking about, because he’s the one missing out on your beautiful self.

Playing with fire

Remember when Samantha hooks up with that really hot New York fireman on “Sex in the City”?

I went out with one Saturday night.

Ok, so the firefighter gig is only a volunteer thing, but it definitely got my engines revving. He’s actually NYPD fulltime.

The “Officer” took me to Dave & Buster’s. It had to be the best first date I’ve ever been on – let me explain the genius of going to an arcade for an initial encounter.

Instead of forcing conversation while the two of you stare across the table at dinner with nothing to distract yourselves but stuffing your faces (attractive), you have games.

Loads of them.

You can play air hockey, shoot aliens, race cars, play pool. And you can drink while doing all of this, except the place isn’t as loud as a regular bar, and there are fewer hot girls around to steal his attention.

Another plus: you can make wagers.

For example, “If I kick your ass on this round, we have to do this again.”

One word of caution, however – whatever he picks for his side of the bet will probably be dirty. Make sure you like the guy before suggesting a wager.

D&B isn’t the cheapest of dates, but it’s worth every penny if the guy’s any fun at all. It’s easier to split than a dinner bill – if he ponies up the cash for the games, you can offer to buy drinks.

I leave you with one final thought: there’s nothing sexier than watching a really hot policeman shoot things on a screen.

Sure, your character died during the first two minutes of play, but now you can watch him play. And that's even better than winning.

Blind date

Oh my God.

That was my first thought when I spotted him across the street, walking toward me. I knew it was him. There was no mistaking it, but I was still praying that I was wrong.

I had agreed to meet one of the men I met online Friday night, despite the fact that I already knew I wasn’t interested. I figured I’d at least make a friend and have someone fun to hang out with. Nothing, however, could have prepared me for this.

We chatted on AIM Thursday night and agreed that I would call him (I didn't want to give out my number) Friday to let him know whether I’d be free that night. We'd been talking online for about two weeks, and he had sent me a photograph a while back, so I knew he was Indian.

It didn’t bother me – I’ve been infatuated with men of many different ethnicities over the years, but I made the mistake of assuming he was like them. Americanized.

He wasn’t.

I knew it as soon as I called – I was answered by a very thick accent. Very.

He was fresh off the boat, all right. And that's not a bad thing...unless I'm hoping to be attracted to you.

But what could I do at that point? By the time I had registered the fact that I had to decipher his every word, I already heard myself telling him I was free that night.

So it was settled. I would meet him in the village for dinner at 7:45 p.m.

The time came and went. He was still on the road. I waited. He was still trying to get there – did I know where 258 was? This wasn’t happening.

It’s one thing to have to wait for a date you’re excited to go out with. It’s another to have to wait for one you’re dreading. On top of that, he couldn’t understand my directions, and I was getting irritating.

“Go down 110 and make a right on Main Street,” I instructed calmly.

“What?! Whoa – you want me to come to your place?”

“No! Take a right on Main. Main street!”

So this brings us to me, watching him cross the street, an hour and a half later. I saw him from a distance. He was like a lanky ape, with his mouth hanging open, lumbering toward me.

I’ll skip the brutal details of dinner, and get to the point.

Yes, he bought me dinner. He called he gorgeous. He opened the door for me. But it was awkward, and I found myself watching the clock (conveniently hung on the wall opposite me) and stretching for something to talk about.

The point is, don’t go out with someone you don’t like. That “free” meal you’ll console yourself with later? It’s not really free – you paid for it with the hard work you put into acting like you didn’t want to run away all night. It was also work trying to think of a reason to skip drinks and head home early.

In the future, I screen all dates by phone before making plans.

To market, to market

Below is one real estate broker’s take on men:

“Listen, maybe it’s because of my job, but I approach dating like house-shopping.

First, I pick a neighborhood in my price range. I’m realistic. I know I’m never going to live on Brad Pitt Lane or George Clooney Avenue, but that doesn’t mean I have to settle for a dump on George Costanza Row.

And once I’m out there shopping, I always factor in renovation costs — because honey, I don’t care how good a paint job he has on the surface, no man is in “move-in” condition.

But sometimes a fixer-upper is a good investment — especially if he’s a good kisser.

And here’s the other thing I learned: Don’t be afraid to flip.

Life is short, you have to live like the market is red-hot. Give him a try, and if it doesn’t work out, then flip him and move on.”

Life is indeed short, but are we all just shopping around?

If that’s true, then the market isn’t getting any better as we get older -- women’s “property” value decreases and men’s increases as years pass.

I wondered: how close is the relationship between shopping for a house and finding a good guy?

That’s when I found “The Four Rules of Real Estate” -- an article written by Dirk Zeller, President of Real Estate Champions, for International Real Estate Digest.

You can apply his advice for agents next time you’re trying to close a deal.

1. Be There.

This one’s obvious – as a potential buyer, you’ll have to get his attention!
Zeller says this rule means showing up, being prepared and taking your job seriously.

Bottom line: if you spot something good, you’re going to have to commit. Make sure he knows you’re interested, and you might just get offered a complete tour…

2. Focus mentally.

“The better you focus mentally, the more results you will get for your time invested,” Zeller writes.

Well said. It’s dog-eat-dog in this game, so you’re going to need to concentrate if you want to walk away a winner. Maybe this means taking note of his favorite things, or out-shining the blonde he’s got his eye on.

3. Tell the truth.

Honesty is the best policy. ‘Nuff said.

4. Accept the results and move on.

No one wins ‘em all. If he won’t agree to your terms, take your business elsewhere. If he turns out not to measure up to his claims or suit your needs, keep looking.

There are new “listings” hitting the market every day.

It's a jungle out there!

I have given up online dating.

In retrospect, I’m not sure exactly what led me to join the ranks of personal ad-placers in the virtual realm of romance. It began with me being bored after work, since my roommate works a night shift.

That’s when I discovered how incredibly entertaining it is to read the personals on Craigslist.

It turns out the site attracts all kinds of sketchy people -- looking for everything from a spanking to their Jewish soul mate.

At any rate, I figured it couldn’t hurt to look ... until I started finding ads that sounded half normal. They were few and far between, but nonetheless, I wanted to meet these people. They were attractive, fun and lived nearby.

I felt a little dirty when I finally answered one!

The first person I chatted with on AIM was Danny, a good-looking Asian student at Gainesville College. He seemed sweet, but we couldn’t exactly meet up since I’m still in New York.

The next was Derek, a techie working for Google in Manhattan. He was a nice guy, but after I finally received his picture, not my type.

After realizing Craigslist was slim-pickings, this 21-year-old decided to take action.
Why should I have to sift through the creeps to find a normalish guy online, I thought, when I could post my own ad and let him come to me?
That’s when I found plentyoffish.com.

It’s free, and you can set up parameters for who can contact you through the site. Of course, I didn’t know this at first, and received plenty of questionable messages from men older than my father.

I felt pretty confident as I described my interests and posted my photo -- I have nothing to be ashamed of! -- and I was justified by an almost immediate stream of messages in my inbox.

“You are cute how are you doing nice pics,” said Vick.

“I like your profile and I’d like to get to know you,” said Kamran.

Followed by the ever-endearing,
“Can i ask if you have a preference for a guy who is fairly well endowed?”

I won’t even tell you HIS username.

But it turned out to be an effective system. Through the site, I met Kris, a young engineer living here on Long Island; Matt, a software programer who works right down the road from me; and Justin, a student at SUNY Farmingdale.

After chatting online briefly, I decided to meet Justin in the village for pizza. It went well -- he was a funny and easy-going guy. We haven’t talked since, but he texts me incessantly. (See July 29 post)

So now I have a whole gaggle of guys to hang out with/date, should I choose to do so. What a blessing! you are thinking. Isn’t this what you wanted? More guys to choose from?

Apparently not. I guess excess really does lower the value -- I’ve now decided I don’t want to date at all. I don’t even feel a desire to meet the guys I’ve been getting to know on AIM.

But it’s a good feeling.
It seems there’s a difference between sitting at home because you HAVEN’T anyone to go out with, and sitting at home because you CHOOSE not to go out with people. Suddenly, I’m content to stay at home reading a book and writing on this blog.

So, even if I’m dateless, I guess I won’t leave my stint in the online dating world empty-handed. I’ll have the satisfaction of knowing there are truckloads of guys out there who want me ... but can’t have me!