Good enough for me

Lauren: “I think that everyone can change if the right person comes along, and I think that every girl wants to be that person. Every girl wants to be the one girl that can change that guy.”

Lo: “But why do you have to have a guy that you have to change? Don’t you want to meet someone who’s good already?”

Well, that’s the idea – to find someone who’s already a good guy. But it doesn’t always work like that, does it?

What the girls from The Hills failed to mention is that good is rarely good enough. When we finally settle down and decide to marry someone, that’s us saying, "Hey. You’re good enough."

But nobody likes to settle, so when you find someone who has some qualities you like or admire, it’s only natural to try to elicit some others that he's lacking. Every possible beau requires you to weight the pros and cons: he’s got these things going for him, but he’s missing those.

It makes sense that we’d want to tip the scale a bit in a good guy’s favor. That’s why we never stop hoping we can squeeze some more potential out of him.

And I agree with Lauren – it’s a kind of fantastical thought to change a bad boy into a good one. To tame the wild child, if you will. But it is usually just that – a fantasy. The kind of thing country songs are made of.

Don’t get me wrong – people can change. But they have to want to change, and many times the things we hope to alter are too intimately connected to who they are.

You want him to be more frugal with his money, but you love his generous nature.

You want him to be more mature, but you love his silly sense of humor.

You keep hoping he’ll call you when he says he will, but…

wait, he should definitely change that!

The point is, some things about a person aren’t going to change. If you can’t see yourself dealing with those things if they don't change, you’ll have to accept defeat and move on.

Because a healthy relationship means losing the battle.

It means seeing a person for everything he is – the parts you love and the parts you wish you could change – and just accepting him.

It means saying, “You’re more than good enough.”

Debunking the Theory of "The One"

A few years ago, I bought a book called "Is He The One? 101 Questions That Will Lead You to the Truth, Whatever That Is."

Each page has a question a woman supposedly should ask herself to determine whether or not her guy is, in fact, the "One."

It mostly asks obvious stuff that people ponder subconsciously anyway, like:

- "How does he treat his mother?"
-"Does he make you laugh?"
-"Does his plan for children match yours?"

According to Amazon, customers who bought this book also bought "How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk" and "How Can You Tell If You're Really In
Love?"

Basically, really confused people. The kind of people who turn to Dr. Phil for advice.

Unfortunately, "Is He the One?" probably won’t help these people any more than Dr. Phil would. It can help you pinpoint things you like and don't like about a guy, but it won't tell you if he's the "One,” because there's no formula for that.

Let's say he receives positive answers for 60 percent of the 101 questions.
Does THAT mean he's the “One”?

Or should he have received a higher score, like 87 percent? Would THAT score make him the “One”?

And what about 100 percent? If you have good things to say about him for all the questions presented in this book, does THAT mean you should commit your life to this guy forever?

This is why the book doesn't work. Because after you've answered all the questions, you're left with the same glaring question you started with:
Is he the “One”?

And that's only a valid question if you believe there IS such a thing as the “One."

People who believe this theory likely believe in fate or destiny or God's will. That whomever we end up with isn't a choice, but rather, that he or she is pre-destined to be our compatible companion in life.

But there are over 6.6 Billion (with a capital B) people on this planet.

Does it even make sense to think that only one person is capable of making us happy?

I rejected this theory a while ago because following it can cause serious anxiety issues.

No matter who you're with, you'll always be asking yourself if he is that ONE special person out of all the other choices.
Sure, he makes you happy -- but does he make you happy ENOUGH? Or is the elusive "One" still out there who could make you happier?

This kind of thinking only perpetuates a “grass is greener on the other side” mentality. You’ll never be satisfied with what you’ve got while wondering what you’re missing.

The alternative is to believe that there are multiple people with whom you are compatible, and that you could be happy with any one of them. That the person you spend your life with is a matter of settling.

Not quite as romantic, I know, but reasonable.

In this way, when you meet someone who makes you happy and with whom you can see yourself sharing a lifetime, there is no reason NOT to marry that person over the other options. Basically, you acknowledge that others exist who could make you happy, but not necessarily happier than the person you've chosen.

Even this thinking, though, leaves you asking questions. Because in the end, you weren't really wondering if your boyfriend was the "One" -- you were wondering, "Should I marry him?"

And no matter where you turn, be it a book or God or your belief that the "One" for you is out there, no one can answer that question except you.

Just to be safe, though, you might want to read "How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk" before making a decision.

The eX factor

It's my opinion that the most worthless type of advice in the world is a standard set of steps for getting over an ex.

Sure, it’s easy to advise someone if her boyfriend cheated on her, or beat her, or stole her stuff for drug money.
But what about the great relationship that ended because it just plain didn’t work out?

You loved him, and you still do. Now it’s been months, he’s dating someone new, and suddenly you feel sick.

First you’re angry. Jealous. Bitter. Then you have second thoughts.
Did you really make the right decision when you ended it? What if he IS the guy for you?

It is precisely this type of predicament for which no valuable advice can be offered. No one will be able to tell you what you should do or feel. It’s actually this realization that makes the situation so damn unbearable.

My own misery led me to the Web today, where I read a lot of articles with titles like, “Before You Get Back With Your Ex” and “The One That Got Away.” It may have been useless advice, but the information helped refocus my perspective and start to find some answers.

So keeping in mind the fact that everyone’s relationships, break-ups and experiences are unique, I have come up with some advice that might actually do some good.

1. Assess your present situation.
Are you in a new place, apart from your close friends and family? Have you lost track of hobbies or find yourself browsing the Craigslist personal ads for amusement?
If you’re bored or lonely, that can make you start to miss your ex. If you don’t have enough friends around you at the time, you’ll begin to long for the time when you were of the utmost importance to him, and it will rip you apart trying to deal with the fact that you aren’t anymore. Also, is he dating someone new? The “I don’t want him, but no one else can have him” mentality is a very real creature.

When you start to miss him, step back and ask yourself how much of your emotional turmoil is fueled by jealousy, loneliness or boredom.

2. What are you really missing?
When you find yourself missing him, you WILL think of all the things you loved about him. You’ll remember the way he kissed your forehead, or always gave you the best cuts of steak off his plate, or surprised you that time on your birthday. Oh why did you break up with such a wonderful, caring boyfriend?

Once you finish wallowing in the misery of what you’ve lost, snap back to reality and force yourself to think of the things you DIDN’T like about him. The things that drove you bonkers, and the reasons you ended the relationship. You did have reasons, it’s just easier to stash them away and pretend they don’t exist. If you have to, make a list with two sides – things you love about him and things you can’t stand. If the latter side is empty, you aren’t being honest with yourself.

Likely, after you’ve reviewed the reasons he isn’t Mr. Perfect, you’ll stop regretting your decision to break up with him.

3. Take your time.
Don’t feel like you have to start dating again right away. You probably won’t be ready, if you haven’t fully recovered from the loss of your ex. Dating other people isn’t going to speed the process, either. It’s something you will have to come to terms with on your own eventually. And remember, you don’t NEED to date anyone right now. You are strong enough to get through this.

You were alone once, before you met him, and you can be alone again.

4. Love yourself.
I know it seems impossible, but stop thinking about him for a minute and really examine yourself. Think about all the things that make you a confident, sexy, special and deserving woman. He may be a great guy, but the truth is that he couldn’t make you happy. If he had, you wouldn’t have broken up with him.

You deserve to be happy. Keep in mind all of the things you love about YOU as you move forward, instead of what you love about HIM.

These are the steps that helped me come to terms with my shattered heart after breaking up with my amazing, caring boyfriend in March. There will still be bumps in the road, and more pain to come, but I’m on the road to recovery.
When I can see a picture on Facebook of him with the new girl he’s dating and not hope she'll fall off the face of the earth, I’ll know I’m fully healed.