A guide to cyber civility

Today I received a comment from a reader about one of my earlier posts in which I gave examples of the asinine messages guys used to send me when I was part of the online dating scene last summer. Here is what Spike had to say:

So you think men like myself should not like Even try ? hah well this guy =) didint find anything to discribe his love and feelings towards you , so he sent a noble =) . :D anyways im not really sure if your making fun of them , cause it was not clear .

But do you have any better ideas that might actually get your attention online :D

Ayy Take care now
Alaa.

Thanks, Spike. You make a good point.

In addition to telling men how they’ve gotten it wrong, I should have instructed them on how to get it right. So here it is.

The problem with many or all of the messages I introduced as horrific examples of online conversation was that they didn't even attempt to elicit a response.

When you send a message to a woman you’re interested in, I’m assuming your goal is to convince her to respond — an indication that she may be interested, too.

(If your point isn’t to get her to respond, I’m not sure what your point could be other than to waste her time.)

I wrote my last blog post on this subject to illustrate that many men were messaging me apparently without this goal in mind.

How exactly am I supposed to reply to “MMMM…..yummy!” ?

And why would I even want to?

Like all other types of dating, online dating is a game, and it helps to know how to play. So here are some good rules to follow:

1. Remember that there is an actual person on the receiving end of your message, and this is a first impression. Treat it that way. You should check your spelling, be courteous and respectful and generally try to connect with this person.

2. Say something about yourself. I don’t need a biography, just something interesting that makes me care to learn more. A first name is always a good start, since it's awkward conversing with a nameless stranger.

3. Show your interest. Mention something you read in her profile or how you live in the same area of town. This shows that you aren't just contacting her because her photos are hot. Even if you are just contacting her because her photos are hot, she'll be more likely to respond if you maintain the illusion that you care about more than her physical appearance.

4. If you choose to comment on her physical appearance, be general and decent. Many girls don’t want to hear that they “have a nice rack.” This, of course, depends on what kind of site you’re on… To send an acceptable message, stick to “You look very beautiful" or “You have a nice smile.” These are not clichés — no girl gets tired of hearing these things.

5. Try funny. This doesn't always go over well, which might deter some guys from cracking jokes. But funny is one of the foundations of flirting! If you can make her laugh or even crack a grin, you're halfway there. And if not, it wouldn't work out anyway. You need someone who meshes with your sense of humor.

6. Ask a question. This shows you're interested in more than her great rack, and it also makes her more likely to respond. Just don't ask too many — she may not want to write you an essay in response.

7. Be intelligent. "MMMM...yummy!" is my case in point.

This is a lot to digest, but the key to remember is that online conversation is very much like regular conversation. Many of these rules also apply to making a good first impression if you were meeting someone face-to-face.

I’ll leave you with an example of a well-written cyber message:

Hi, I’m Jared. I read on your profile that you’re learning to water ski. Where do you ski?
I’ve been going to Lake Lanier to ski every summer since I was a kid, but I haven't had time lately because I'm opening a surf shop. Don't worry, I'm not a beach bum (yet!).
I'd like to get a chance to learn more about each other — IM me sometime if you want to chat. My screen name is Jared815.

OK, so Jared wasn't very funny, but there's a good chance he'll get a reply, so he can always try again next time.

At least he didn't go the way of his peers and write, "I've got a ski for you..."

If you've been hit with the fugly stick...

"Pretty people have it easy, whether they want to admit or not," my friend Phillip recently wrote on his blog.

Yes, life sucks if you're unattractive. It's no secret that it's harder to get out of a speeding ticket or convince an employer to hire you if you've been hit by the ugly stick. Not to mention getting someone from the opposite sex to listen to what you have to say.

But it's not always a party for the pretty kids, either.

I've seen many a personal ad from guys pleading for someone to appreciate them for more than their really, really ridiculously good-looking selves.

"Girls only ever want me for my body," one poor soul lamented on Craigslist.

My, it must be an uphill battle for those who are physically blessed.

But whether hot or not, we all are obsessed with our looks and the idea that our futures depend on them.

We MUST know -- we NEED to know -- whether we are considered attractive, because it assuredly determines what kind of a life lies ahead of us!

Just check out the hundreds of people who pony up their photos for public criticism on HotorNot.com. They can't rest until they know if the world approves ... or recoils.

But there are, in fact, things WORSE than being ugly.

You might be bugly (butt ugly)

or fugly (fat and ugly)

or even pugly (poor and ugly).

And you had best count your blessings if you aren't dugly (dog ugly).

If you be so unlucky, however, at least you can take comfort in the fact that you've been informed. Now you can brace yourself for the disappointing and lonely life that's likely ahead of you as a member of the dugly club.

You might want to hit up that hot guy on Craigslist, though. Tell him you'll appreciate more than his body if he'll appreciate everything but yours.

Things guys say online to make me come runnin'

There are a lot more options for girls than for guys in the online dating arena.

I know, because last night I got curious and decided to check out the "Women Seeking Men" page on Craigslist.

I could count on one hand the number of women who'd posted their pictures, and it would take more than ten fingers to count how many were over 50.

The ladies who DID post pics were no beauty queens, which made me wonder what those in hiding looked like.

If I were a dude, I'd be scared pants-less to answer any of those ads.

On the other hand, plenty of men have the decency to produce a photo (which in many cases saves you the trouble of reading what they have to say). Some even write you a novel about who they are (lame) and what they're looking for (you, of course).

So you'd think when all these poor fellows came across a good-looking girl with the guts to post her pictures, they'd at least put a little effort into writing a witty message to impress and intrigue her.

Yet, it appears the Internet has made men lazy. If you don't reply to their a-grammatical, four-word come-on, they'll just send one to the next girl.

Below are some of the less than stellar messages I've received in the past two weeks. Keep in mind that these are initial encounters, to which they supposedly expect me to reply, and none of the errors are mine.

"MMMMM....Yummy!"

"how you doin would you like to chat???"

" =) "

"I've got nice shoes and nice teeth."

"how r u i really lik u can i know u meet u"

"Great man here! I aint lyin!"

"The sweet sweet breeze has blown all the sweet work off my desk. Guess I'd better go pick that up."

"i like reading your profile?"

"You picked my attention and to say hi too. I don't know you and of course you don't know me. this is i wanna say for now till i get your reply. peace for you."

"Too bad you don't like us older guys" (Sent by a 59-year-old, aka, older than my dad.)

"You should come see me." (NOTE: This guy, whom I don't know, lives in Jersey. That's an hour and a half drive and at least $10 in tolls. Much like the rest of em, he really thought he was hot sh*t.)

It's a jungle out there!

I have given up online dating.

In retrospect, I’m not sure exactly what led me to join the ranks of personal ad-placers in the virtual realm of romance. It began with me being bored after work, since my roommate works a night shift.

That’s when I discovered how incredibly entertaining it is to read the personals on Craigslist.

It turns out the site attracts all kinds of sketchy people -- looking for everything from a spanking to their Jewish soul mate.

At any rate, I figured it couldn’t hurt to look ... until I started finding ads that sounded half normal. They were few and far between, but nonetheless, I wanted to meet these people. They were attractive, fun and lived nearby.

I felt a little dirty when I finally answered one!

The first person I chatted with on AIM was Danny, a good-looking Asian student at Gainesville College. He seemed sweet, but we couldn’t exactly meet up since I’m still in New York.

The next was Derek, a techie working for Google in Manhattan. He was a nice guy, but after I finally received his picture, not my type.

After realizing Craigslist was slim-pickings, this 21-year-old decided to take action.
Why should I have to sift through the creeps to find a normalish guy online, I thought, when I could post my own ad and let him come to me?
That’s when I found plentyoffish.com.

It’s free, and you can set up parameters for who can contact you through the site. Of course, I didn’t know this at first, and received plenty of questionable messages from men older than my father.

I felt pretty confident as I described my interests and posted my photo -- I have nothing to be ashamed of! -- and I was justified by an almost immediate stream of messages in my inbox.

“You are cute how are you doing nice pics,” said Vick.

“I like your profile and I’d like to get to know you,” said Kamran.

Followed by the ever-endearing,
“Can i ask if you have a preference for a guy who is fairly well endowed?”

I won’t even tell you HIS username.

But it turned out to be an effective system. Through the site, I met Kris, a young engineer living here on Long Island; Matt, a software programer who works right down the road from me; and Justin, a student at SUNY Farmingdale.

After chatting online briefly, I decided to meet Justin in the village for pizza. It went well -- he was a funny and easy-going guy. We haven’t talked since, but he texts me incessantly. (See July 29 post)

So now I have a whole gaggle of guys to hang out with/date, should I choose to do so. What a blessing! you are thinking. Isn’t this what you wanted? More guys to choose from?

Apparently not. I guess excess really does lower the value -- I’ve now decided I don’t want to date at all. I don’t even feel a desire to meet the guys I’ve been getting to know on AIM.

But it’s a good feeling.
It seems there’s a difference between sitting at home because you HAVEN’T anyone to go out with, and sitting at home because you CHOOSE not to go out with people. Suddenly, I’m content to stay at home reading a book and writing on this blog.

So, even if I’m dateless, I guess I won’t leave my stint in the online dating world empty-handed. I’ll have the satisfaction of knowing there are truckloads of guys out there who want me ... but can’t have me!