Win...or die miserable

Samantha: “Well let’s just say it, you won.”

Carrie: “Was there a contest?”

Samantha: “Oh please, there’s always a contest with an ex — It’s called ‘Who Will Die Miserable.’”


There’s nothing like staying in on Saturday night for a self-induced marathon of “Sex and the City.” (For the record, it’s not “Sex in the City.” I usually have to check. It makes me nervous every time.)

I especially loved the scene above because, seriously, is there anything better than being happy in a new relationship while watching an ex suffer alone?

This is assuming it wasn’t one of those mutual breakups, but let’s face it — break-ups are never mutual. One person just gives in. Sucker.

Nonetheless, after any good, knock-down, drag-out break up, the race begins to see who will start dating first. Someone will couple up fastest and someone will be left in the dust.

And you’d better hope it ain’t you.

Because the naughty and completely gratifying satisfaction felt by the winner — well, there’s a flipside. It really sucks to be the loser. It sucks even worse if you initiated the break up.

There are ways of getting around this setback. One good psychological exercise is to identify every single reason why his new girlfriend is a monster. You could say, “She looks like Chelsea Clinton,” or “She’s as fat as Tyra Banks.” It usually helps to repeat these attacks over and over again to your friends, and also people you’ve just met. Whatever makes you feel better.

But mostly you’ll still feel like crap. That is, unless you have the good fortune of drunk dialing your ex and telling him exactly how much of a monster his new girlfriend is. That might make you feel better until the next morning when you realize you just gave him the upper hand.

Because even in a breakup, it’s still about power.

One person will find a new mate, live long and prosper… and have the power.

One will die miserable. Make sure it’s not you.

Bling, rings and things

Since yesterday, at least three people have complimented me on the diamond-shaped Opal pendant I wear everyday.

It's caught me off guard because I've been wearing this necklace -- and the earrings and ring that match it -- since Christmas, and I've never had so many people notice them.

Yet some well-wishers go one step further than applauding my taste and drop the bombshell question -- where did I get it?

Somehow, the fact that my ex-boyfriend gave me the jewelry complicates this simple inquiry.

I either feel compelled to launch into a monologue explaining the complicated history of our relationship and our current status, or offer up the short but relatively awkward response: "My ex-boyfriend gave it to me."

And this never seems to suffice, since "ex" has negative connotations. Then they might get the wrong idea and feel embarrassed to have asked, thinking they're forcing me to recall a painful break-up. I'm actually still close friends with my ex, so I always feel the need to explain myself.

Which brings us to a question of some concern to females everywhere: when a relationship ends, what do you do with the leftover bling?

Some women have found creative ways to deal with extra accessories, and it turns out that men also have varying attitudes about the proper way girls should dispose of the tainted goods.

On the male front, a number of guys I spoke with reached the general consensus that if you hit the track, you give it back.

Male 1: "If she had the nerve to break up with me and break my heart, I want that stuff back!"

This from a guy who said he'd consider re-gifting the stuff for the next girl.

Male 2: "I broke up with my girlfriend and she still has my Seinfeld DVDs. Now she lives in Duluth and I want them back....oh yeah! She has my sweatshirts too!"

Girls, you may want to test the waters to see if the guy you're breaking up with is of this mindset.

If you haven't been dating for very long and you have his things at your place -- things that weren't gifts -- the general rule is NOT "lovers keepers."

On the other hand, these guys argue they want even their gifts back. This can only be described by one word: cheap.

I talked to one young woman who put the issue into perspective: "I mean, if the girl gave her boyfriend a big ticket item, like, a PS2 or something, I don't think he'd give it back to her..."

Agreed. I can't exactly see a guy handing back the stereo system you had installed in his Jeep for Valentine's Day.

So when giving it back is out of the question, here's what the women are saying:

Sell it.

It's the classic lemons and lemonade theory. The love is gone, your credit card bill isn't.
Garage sales, eBay, antique stores, or the pawn shop all will offer you the means to buy yourself a new outfit that'll help snag your next boyfriend!

Give it away.

Female 1: "I gave mine to my sister. Because I don't want to sell it -- I don't really want to know how much it's worth! It doesn't mean anything to her, yet it's still something nice to have."

Trade with friends.

I worked with a girl in Washington last fall whose ex-boyfriend had given her a promise ring sometime during their three-year relationship.

I'll resist the urge to share my thoughts on the stupidity of promise rings, and continue.

It turns out another of her close girlfriends had received a promise ring from her boyfriend. When neither of their relationships lasted, they decided to swap so the rings wouldn't go to waste. After all, who wants to remember a broken promise?

Now she sports a sweet ring free of emotional fall-out.

Let it sit in your jewelry box.

If it's something really nice, you may have trouble parting with it, even if you don't want to wear it.

One gal I chatted with said she keeps a pair of diamond earrings her ex gave to her, but she still sees him around campus sometimes.
"I don't wear them because I wouldn't want him to see me with them on. That would be awkward."

Wear the damn thing.

In my case, because there were no bad feelings at the end of the relationship, I continue to wear my jewelry without any qualms. Seeing it every day doesn't make me all weepy at the thought of old memories -- they just match everything and they make me happy.

But that still doesn't mean my ex is getting his sweatshirt back!

Xing the Ex...completely

Much like there is no universal rule for getting over an ex, there is no standard guideline for whether or not you should continue to be friends with an ex...

...or is there?

Is it, regardless of your relationship, a bad idea to stay friends?

My girlfriends have done it. I’ve done it. We’ve all come to the same conclusion.

Yes.

Although I defied their advice when I broke up with my boyfriend and decided to stay close friends with him, I have found out the hard way that it may not have been the healthiest of choices.

I decided to dissect the situation by first considering WHY we want to remain close to our exes.
As “best friends,” we can continue to rely on them for emotional support. We can keep calling them to share the every day goings on in our lives. Sometimes we can even continue to give and receive benefits, further delaying the fact that they’re no longer ours. All of this ultimately means one thing: We don’t have to deal with the loss of our relationships.

Staying friends is really a dressed up form of denial about your break-up, and it can sabotage your future happiness.

That’s because, in the end, you will end up breaking up TWICE. Once when one of you delivers the news, and again when one of you finds someone new.

Eventually, one of you will move on. He will stop calling every day. He won’t have time to hear those little things you used to share. His affections will be for another, and you will have to sit back and watch as you become second place in his world.

Bottom line: You will become a helpless bystander to your own pain, and he’ll have all the control.

HE will not care about your heartache - he will be out having fun with his new girl.
HE will not offer you support when you are crying your eyes out - it isn’t his problem.

You have basically set yourself up for an emotional crisis, which will probably lead to you cutting off communication so that you can hibernate and begin to heal apart from him.
But you can off-set this suffering by cutting off communication from the beginning, at least until the two of you have sufficiently healed by yourselves.

Below, I offer some advice from friends, each of which have made the mistake of staying friends with exes in the past. It remains difficult advice to swallow, but I am beginning to see their point.

Friend One
"Whatever happens, you cannot talk to him about her. Better yet, you shouldn't talk to him at all. Are you still calling him? If so, you've got to stop. Also, do not Facebook him. You can't see anymore pictures of him with this new chick or read any of the sappy stuff they write to each other.”

Friend Two
“You won't always need to be #1 in his life, which is just as scary a thought as it is comforting. The thought that you will not need him one day will kick your ass for a while as you try to push it out of your head, but you will wake up one day realizing you've accepted the idea."

Friend Three
"You can't wait on him to really move on. You're trying to hold on mostly because you're trying to protect him at the cost of your own feelings. Ah, the sacrificial nature of a woman. We go to great lengths for the men we love, and we're always self-destructive.
Don't do it.
You're actually more ready than he is right now, he's just found someone to help him get there. A someone that YOU DON’T NEED. Stop protecting him. It's okay for him to hurt!”

Friend Four
“You don't need a man to understand you. And when you realize that, good for you! How wonderful it will feel!”

The eX factor

It's my opinion that the most worthless type of advice in the world is a standard set of steps for getting over an ex.

Sure, it’s easy to advise someone if her boyfriend cheated on her, or beat her, or stole her stuff for drug money.
But what about the great relationship that ended because it just plain didn’t work out?

You loved him, and you still do. Now it’s been months, he’s dating someone new, and suddenly you feel sick.

First you’re angry. Jealous. Bitter. Then you have second thoughts.
Did you really make the right decision when you ended it? What if he IS the guy for you?

It is precisely this type of predicament for which no valuable advice can be offered. No one will be able to tell you what you should do or feel. It’s actually this realization that makes the situation so damn unbearable.

My own misery led me to the Web today, where I read a lot of articles with titles like, “Before You Get Back With Your Ex” and “The One That Got Away.” It may have been useless advice, but the information helped refocus my perspective and start to find some answers.

So keeping in mind the fact that everyone’s relationships, break-ups and experiences are unique, I have come up with some advice that might actually do some good.

1. Assess your present situation.
Are you in a new place, apart from your close friends and family? Have you lost track of hobbies or find yourself browsing the Craigslist personal ads for amusement?
If you’re bored or lonely, that can make you start to miss your ex. If you don’t have enough friends around you at the time, you’ll begin to long for the time when you were of the utmost importance to him, and it will rip you apart trying to deal with the fact that you aren’t anymore. Also, is he dating someone new? The “I don’t want him, but no one else can have him” mentality is a very real creature.

When you start to miss him, step back and ask yourself how much of your emotional turmoil is fueled by jealousy, loneliness or boredom.

2. What are you really missing?
When you find yourself missing him, you WILL think of all the things you loved about him. You’ll remember the way he kissed your forehead, or always gave you the best cuts of steak off his plate, or surprised you that time on your birthday. Oh why did you break up with such a wonderful, caring boyfriend?

Once you finish wallowing in the misery of what you’ve lost, snap back to reality and force yourself to think of the things you DIDN’T like about him. The things that drove you bonkers, and the reasons you ended the relationship. You did have reasons, it’s just easier to stash them away and pretend they don’t exist. If you have to, make a list with two sides – things you love about him and things you can’t stand. If the latter side is empty, you aren’t being honest with yourself.

Likely, after you’ve reviewed the reasons he isn’t Mr. Perfect, you’ll stop regretting your decision to break up with him.

3. Take your time.
Don’t feel like you have to start dating again right away. You probably won’t be ready, if you haven’t fully recovered from the loss of your ex. Dating other people isn’t going to speed the process, either. It’s something you will have to come to terms with on your own eventually. And remember, you don’t NEED to date anyone right now. You are strong enough to get through this.

You were alone once, before you met him, and you can be alone again.

4. Love yourself.
I know it seems impossible, but stop thinking about him for a minute and really examine yourself. Think about all the things that make you a confident, sexy, special and deserving woman. He may be a great guy, but the truth is that he couldn’t make you happy. If he had, you wouldn’t have broken up with him.

You deserve to be happy. Keep in mind all of the things you love about YOU as you move forward, instead of what you love about HIM.

These are the steps that helped me come to terms with my shattered heart after breaking up with my amazing, caring boyfriend in March. There will still be bumps in the road, and more pain to come, but I’m on the road to recovery.
When I can see a picture on Facebook of him with the new girl he’s dating and not hope she'll fall off the face of the earth, I’ll know I’m fully healed.